A GIF of woman orgasm
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Holistic Massage Is Now A Thing

The majority of us ladies will go quite far in our mission to keep our va-jay-jay’s happy, right? But, would you allow a stranger (with whom you hadn’t been dancing and drinking with all night) to seemingly take your vagina hostage, in the name of ‘holistic massage’? We didn’t think so – but apparently some women love it.

So, what is this and why the hell would someone willingly do it? We researched (so you don’t have to) everything there is to know about yoni massage (Sanskrit for vaginal massage)

1.Holistic Vaginal Massages Have Been Around For 1000 Years

Woman being massaged
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Although many of us are just beginning to discover the world of yoni massage, it has in fact been going on for over 1000 years. It is a spiritual process, and intended (apparently) to empower and heal women. Hmm, hands up who thinks a man invented it?

2.The Main Purpose Of Yoni Is To Open A Woman’s Amrita

Try to stay with us, but the overall goal of this treatment is to open a woman’s yoni, allowing her amrita liquid to flow. In case you were wondering, amrita liquid translated is female ejaculation. According to practitioners of this massage, the amrita holds emotions such as pain, pleasure, and sadness, and a gushing or spraying va-jay-jay is basically one that is crying. Oh.

3.Repressed Emotions Will Be Released

A GIF of woman orgasm
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This massage will apparently open up the vagina to let go of all retained emotions. Emotions and trauma that have been left to build up prevent a woman from achieving her optimum experiences in life; yoni massage is said to free you.

5.You Will Be Massaged From Head To Toe, Butt-Naked

Naked Homer Simpson
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After showering and putting on nothing but a robe, you then take off the robe, Lying on your stomach with the robe placed over your bottom, you are massaged from head to toe.

5.The Yoni Massage Begins.

Next the practitioner asks you to turn over, he pours warm oil over your vagina, inserts two fingers, and begins the internal massage. You are asked to think only about breathing, moving and making noise to aid the process.

6.The Process Takes 6 Hours

A GIF of Clock
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People who have experienced this massage say the emotions are intense, as are the orgasms – but be prepared to feel repressed hurt in the form of unhappiness/tears.

Perhaps a movie is a better idea…